Should I tell or should I ask?

I was binge-watching The West Wing recently, and, as in my previous viewings, I enjoyed the portrayal of the mostly intelligent (sometimes humorous, sometimes serious, and occasionally argumentative) discourse between supervisors and subordinates. For those not familiar with the show, The West Wing was a critically acclaimed political drama television series that ran for seven seasons on NBC (1999-2007).

Most communication on the show from supervisor to subordinate is assertive, which is not surprising. I was, however, struck by how often supervisors directed their subordinates to do something rather than ask them to do something. The abruptness, tone, and frequency of the direction, along with the lack of asking, felt a little discourteous and made me wonder if they were real people instead of TV characters, if the subordinates would have resented the manner of communication. There was a lot of “Get me that report!” and not much “Would you please get me that report?”

As an advocate for assertive communication in leadership positions, I wondered if assertive communication was always characterized by telling, demanding, directing, and ordering, or if it could also encompass a softer side where the supervisor is assertive but asks rather than tells.

I have come to realize that, unlike on The West Wing, leaders who use an assertive communication style do not always need to tell and direct. Sometimes asking is more appropriate and can still be part of an assertive approach. In fact, striking a balance between "telling" and "asking" is crucial for effective assertive communication with employees. Assertive communication is not about being bossy or demanding but about expressing yourself clearly and respectfully while considering the perspectives of others.

When should I “tell” instead of “ask”?

• When time is limited and a quick decision is needed. In situations where a decision needs to be made rapidly, you might need to tell or direct to ensure prompt action.

• When providing clear directives or instructions. "Telling" can be appropriate when giving specific instructions to ensure tasks are completed correctly and on time.

• When communicating non-negotiable policies or procedures. Certain policies or procedures are not open for discussion and require direct communication.

• When addressing an issue that requires a clear boundary. If an employee's behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop, you might need to "tell" them directly and firmly.

When should I “ask” instead of “tell”?

It is OK—and often better—for a supervisor to ask ("Can you get that report for me?") rather than always directing ("Get me that report."). Here is why “asking” is generally more effective:

Respectful tone: It shows consideration and respect for the employee, which fosters a positive work environment.

Collaboration over command: It encourages teamwork rather than emphasizing hierarchy.

Improved morale: Employees tend to feel more valued and motivated when treated with courtesy.

Softens the request: Even though it is still a directive in practice, it feels less abrasive and more human.

Builds rapport: A polite request helps build better relationships and mutual respect between the supervisor and the team.

I should point out, however, that there are moments when a direct command might be appropriate, such as in urgent situations or when clarity and speed are essential. However, using polite requests as the default tends to be a sign of emotional intelligence and good leadership.

TIP: Finding a balance between telling and asking is ideal for adapting your assertive communication style to fit the situation and the employee. You can use “asking” as your default form of assertive communication and always switch to “telling” if the situation (or the employee) requires a more explicit directive.