Conversational Monologuers
I had two encounters recently in a single week with people who engaged in hours-long, one-sided conversations that would have tried the patience of a saint. These people are often referred to as Conversational Monologuers.
The term describes someone who dominates a conversation, speaking for long periods without allowing others to participate. They monopolize the conversation and neglect to listen or respond to the other person's input. Being talked at by such people, especially for a protracted period, is frustrating because it’s almost always about them and they almost never exhibit any curiosity about you. There are various reasons why someone might engage in this behavior including:
A lack of self-awareness: They simply don’t realize they are dominating the conversation.
Nervousness or social anxiety: They talk too much as a defense mechanism. It gives them control, avoids awkward silences, and keeps them from having to navigate unpredictable questions.
They need validation: They might crave attention or approval, often without realizing it.
Habit or their upbringing: They may have been raised in environments where no one modeled balanced conversation.
They lack curiosity or empathy: Some people don’t pick up on social cues that others want to speak, or they’re just not that interested in others’ perspectives.
They lack effective communication skills: They never learned or do not understand the basics of effective communication and good conversations.
Understanding why someone behaves this way does not excuse the behavior, but it can make it easier to tolerate or respond appropriately and gracefully. For example, one of my two recent encounters with a conversational monologuer involved a woman who was a full-time caregiver for her husband, who has Alzheimer’s. On most days, she seldom gets a chance to have coherent adult conversations. So, when she is with other adults, she unleashes a torrent of talking, and no one can get a word in edgewise. Knowing that about her made me more empathetic, and I gave her a pass (I remained silent). But it was still hard to endure for several hours straight. My other encounter that week had no such excuse. I could only guess that it was a case of lack of self-awareness, which is a little harder to tolerate in educated adults.
So how do you deal with someone who monopolizes the conversation for an extended period? Consider the following:
Use gentle redirection: Interrupt politely to shift the focus or invite balance.
Ask a question to create space: Ask a question that almost requires them to pause and ask you one in return.
Be direct — but polite: If they won’t stop, and directness is appropriate in that situation, sometimes you have to speak up.
Exit the conversation gracefully: If all else fails and you’re not enjoying the interaction, find a way to end it. Unless it’s your boss, not every conversation has to be endured.
Reflect and set boundaries: For repeated behavior (especially subordinates), it might be worth evaluating the reason for the behavior. Are they unaware, ineffective communicators, or just don’t care? You can either gently call out the behavior later or choose to engage less often or in shorter bursts.
TIP: A conversation is characterized by a balanced exchange of ideas, active listening, and mutual engagement. It’s a two-way street where participants feel heard, respected, and learn from each other. Conversation Monologuers monopolize conversations and are extremely frustrating. You have to decide whether you can help the person improve their conversation skills (i.e. subordinates and coworkers) or whether you are better off engaging less often with that person.